
Today our sweet Julsie Mae would be 6 months old. We've now reached the point where she's been gone longer than she was with us and I hate that. I know how blessed we were to have such a precious little girl in our lives for 80 days, but I wish we could have had more time. I wish I could go back in time and take advantage of moments that I let slip away... I wish I had held her more. I wish I hadn't slept as much... I wish I hadn't run to the grocery store, played outside with Molly and been on the computer at times when she was in someone else's arms or sleeping. I wish I could go back and hold her for the entire time she was here. I know it's silly and that Paul and I gave Julia so much love that we can't ever have any regrets, but I still wish I could just go back and hold her for 5 more minutes. I wish I could feel her fuzzy little head against my cheek again, smell her sweet smell and hear her cute sounds. Paul and I really thought that it would get easier as time went on, but we both agree that it's just gotten harder. I wonder when it's supposed to stop hurting so much.
*As I sat at the computer writing this post, I was feeling so alone and overwhelmed with sadness when my doorbell rang... I was so relieved to see Ms. Molly, Julia's hospice volunteer and now a very close friend, at my door. God does give you exactly what you need at the exact moment that you need it. I am in awe of his goodness and love. After crying on Molly's shoulder I am now feeling much better and can go back to thinking about my sweet Julia with a smile on my face.
Molly still talks about her sister often, recently she picked a flower and said that when she went to heaven she wanted to take flowers with her to make all the angels, especially her sister angel, smile. Another time we were driving in the car and out of the blue she told me that when she goes to heaven she wants to be sure to take all our baby spoons with her, because she said she's not sure who is taking care of her baby sister right now, but when she gets to heaven she wants to be the one to feed her.
We love and miss you more and more every day sweet girl. I hope when we see you again we can pick up where we left off, I can't wait to see your precious face and hold you in my arms again.