A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Uncle Bud
The last few weeks have been a total blur to me. I keep having to look at my calendar to keep dates straight and remember exactly when everything happened... On August 19th I received a phone call letting me know that my uncle had passed away the night before. He had been sick a very long time (most of Molly's life) and in the last few years he was bed-ridden and totally dependent on my aunt and in-home workers to care for him. Our family was heartbroken to say good-bye to him, but I think most of us knew that his body had failed him miserably and that it was time for him to head to heaven where his new and perfect body was waiting. He is at peace now, perfectly healthy and no longer in pain.
At his funeral, his daughter described him as a true gentleman and that is exactly how I remember him. When I was thinking back on my memories of him from when I was little, I realized that Paul reminds me a lot of him in those days. He was brave, loyal, confident in what he believed, kind, soft-spoken, easily brought to laughter, quick to smile, loving to little kids (even the ones you could tell were driving him nuts), and incredibly creative.
My favorite memories of my Uncle Bud where of him coming to visit once a week when I spent the summers in Arizona with my grandma. He would always do little chores around the house for her and would never hesitate to let me help, even though my "help" resulted in the job taking twice as long. He always took the time to explain everything to me and made sure I understood what we were doing and why. Then he'd settle down in Mamaw's recliner and I'd sit on his lap. I know I sat on his lap well past an age and size that was comfortable for him, but he always hugged me and made me feel loved.
My uncle was laid to rest on Friday August 27th. My entire family was together, minus one cousin who wasn't able to fly in. Despite the circumstances, it was nice to have almost all the cousins in one place to reminisce and celebrate Uncle Bud's life.
The best part of the weekend was finally getting to meet my newest cousin, Xavier! He is the cutest, chunkiest little Buddha of a baby you will EVER meet!
Paul headed back home Friday night and the kids and I stayed an extra day, leaving on Saturday.
I was set to return to Arizona over Labor Day (without the kids!) for a relaxing little visit the very next weekend. So I hugged everyone good-bye, told the out of town cousins I'd miss them 'till we were all in Arizona together again one day and headed home.
Trenda
The following Tuesday I took a short nap while Marshall was asleep. When I woke up, I realized I'd missed about 8 phone calls and several urgent text messages from my family telling me that my cousin, Trenda, was in ICU.
Trenda had been diagnosed with breast cancer at the end of last spring. She and her husband, Ray, decided not to tell anyone about the diagnosis because they were expecting their first grandchild in just about a month. They wanted Xavier's birth to be a joyous occasion and not be overshadowed by the stress and worry that comes with a cancer diagnosis.
Trenda waited to tell the family until early July... just a week or so before her lumpectomy. I still remember exactly where I was when I talked to her. I can still picture the exact lamp in my friend's guest bedroom in Dallas that I stared at while trying to fight back tears as Tren told me not to worry, and that she had total faith that she was going to come through this all with flying colors. Her attitude was amazing, and I was so proud of her!
After her lumpectomy, Trenda's lymph-nodes tested positive. Because of this, her first chemo treatment was Tuesday the 24th, which ended up being only 6 days after her father passed away. They decided to go ahead with her chemo and not delay it due to my uncle's funeral.
When I got the call about Trenda being in the ICU, I was numb. I sat on the living room floor with Marshall wondering what I was supposed to do. Shock set in almost immediately. As I stared at Marshall, I realized that I could not even think straight. I called Paul and begged him to come home right away.
When he walked in the door about 30 minutes later, he asked me, "Why aren't you packing? You need to be in Arizona." I was shocked that he was OK with me leaving him with two kids during Halloween season... Now I realize that he knows how much Tren means to me.
She has been a second mom to me and is one of the people who has loved me unconditionally since the day I was born. I think Tren was only 19 when I was born, but I have so many baby pictures with Trenda holding me or sitting behind me with the biggest smile on her face. She always has been baby-crazy! I was the flower girl when she and Ray were married in 1979 and the pictures from her wedding are some of my favorites. Trenda and Ray's two kids have always felt more like my brother and sister than just cousins. I always kinda wished I had grown up in the Gomez house! Trenda wished and hoped for grandkids since about the time Dom brought home his first girlfriend... so it was not a surprise at all when Tren announced when I was pregnant with Molly that she'd like to be called "Nana" by my kids. That meant the world to me and I know that Molly always thought of Nana as an extra grandma... and come to think of it, I don't think that she knows that they're just cousins!
All of these thoughts and memories were going through my head on that horribly long flight to Arizona. Unfortunately, Tren passed away at about the time my flight landed in Phoenix. My cousins met me at the airport and drove me to the hospital where the family was gathered. It was one of the most awful nights of my life.
It seems weird for me to say that Tren's death has been the most horrific and jarring event of my life considering I've lost a child. I almost feel like I am betraying Julia in some way. But, with little Julsie it was different. We knew her diagnosis from the time she was just a few hours old. We grieved and cried with her in our arms. It is strange to grieve for someone while they are here, but since we knew we only had her for a short time, we felt blessed for every single hour spent with her. Of course we feel that her 80 days on earth were entirely too short, but in light of her condition we are so lucky that we had her with us for so long - and that she was amazingly healthy for a T-18 baby! I would like to say that my experience with Julia has made me appreciate every second I have with the ones I love, but for the most part it hasn't. I still take my time on earth for granted and I definitely take the moments I spend with friends and family for granted. It's hard not to get caught up in life's struggles and daily routines. I also think that no matter how much you do take the time to appreciate those you love and truly enjoy the time you spend with them, it still kicks you in the gut when someone dies unexpectedly. It's not fair. It's horribly, heart-achingly just not fair.
Once again my family was brought together by a funeral - Trenda and Uncle Bud's funerals were just 8 days apart. It's still difficult to comprehend the timing of it all. I was fortunate to be included in the planning of Tren's funeral. She has done so much for me my entire life that I felt like I was planning a final party for her, trying to help think of exactly how she would have wanted things. Trenda made amazing little mementos for several of the significant events in our family, including my wedding and Julia's funeral. For Julsie, she made little flower magnets with Julia's face in the center.... Tirscha and I decided to honor Tren with the same type of craft and, the night before her funeral, several of the cousins gathered around Aunt JoAnn's kitchen table to cut out Tren's flowers - the same way we gathered around my kitchen table two years ago and cut out Julia's flowers the night before her memorial. It felt right, and I like to think Tren was smiling down on us.
There's so much more I'm thinking about and wishing I had the ability to put into words, but for now I guess this jumbled post will have to do. I am sure there will be future posts about me missing Trenda. I know it will hit me hard the next time I visit Arizona and when we don't get a box from her full of birthday or Christmas gifts for the kids. It's not the presents that I will miss... there was something about seeing my name and address written in her beautiful handwriting that I loved so much! How I wish I had saved some of those labels. Maybe I'll stumble across an old box she mailed in the garage or attic one day, that would be awesome!
This is the last picture I took with Trenda, just 3 days before she passed away. How I wish I could jump into this photo and give her the biggest hug ever!
Tren had cut her gorgeous hair short to match the wig she bought to wear once her hair fell out from the chemo - I am so happy for the little girl who will receive a beautiful wig through 'Locks of Love' because of Tren's generous donation.
Treny, I love and miss you so very much. It just kills me that my life, and that of the rest of our family, will never, ever be the same without you.
